This is written with love and with hope and gratitude.

The diary entry /poem above was written directly after I was raped and very nearly died during an extremely violent near fatal attack, whilst on tour with my band Maximum Joy. The incident happened within my close personal /professional circle at the time, the perpetrator was known to me as was to the others in the travelling group.
The attack was never called out or called rape by those around me, even though all knew and there was a lot of physical damage also that happened during the same incident to a hotel room by the perpetrator. The (at the time unconscious) effects the attack and the emotional abuse and coercive control that was a feature of this had on me, my naivety and youth, along with the attitude  and actions taken of those around me in my close professional circle and society as a whole at that time, meant it became and was something that was never spoken of.  And it very nearly happened again – from the same perpetrator. Its taken me decades to actually manage to call it out even privately without feeling utter shame or guilt that would shut that down – also due to the years of suppression and silence around it. The impact was immense, it changed my life immeasurably –  I lost my career, my band, my hope, my future.  It also soon bought the life of Maximum Joy at that time to an end. Even though at the time I started a new band as this was all I knew to do and where my heart and soul were, I found, despite trying, that I couldn’t perform or even really sing even in rehearsal or the studio – without completely freezing and shaking visibly. At the time I had no idea what was happening to my body or why – this was brand new, alien, I’d always had that natural youthful confidence – I’d not actually realised I was confident and naturally performed until this happened. This felt like my body was betraying me – it was crippling, so much so that in the end I had no choice but to retreat from my career and my passion. It’s only now that I’ve come to understand that this was due to what had happened, a direct impact of the violent attack and rape and the fall out from that.  With no understanding of what was causing this then though and no dialogue around this at all, it had devastating effects. Over 30 years later through a series of serendipitous moments and key people unwittingly giving invaluable encouragement I gradually found I might be able to sing or perform again in public. And the act of doing so has really seemed miraculous to me,  the consequences of the violent attack(s) and the related actions towards me from my then professional entourage around this, had led through my body’s unconscious reaction to the point where  I  truly believed that this was never going to be a possibility again.

I am writing a more detailed account of my years growing up  and forming a post punk band in Bristol.  But this feels necessary to write about now.

Thankfully I’m in an better position now, and I’m so grateful to the support from every single person  along the way who has and still does believe in the music, and who’s believed in me, who’ve loved Maximum Joy, who’ve asked questions of me just at the right moment, which led to being back in those places of making music  I loved, who helped plant the seed of hope again in me that it could be a possibility to sing and perform again like this. And all the people, who bother to listen and turn up to shows and partake in and support music making. Without you and these people and their support it wouldn’t have happened.  I still have to pinch myself, and am so grateful for the incredible serendipitous moments and the path that led to this second chance.

From what I know and have since learnt, from professionals who deal with trauma – when someone is raped or attacked positive recovery outcomes correlate directly with how much that person is able to talk and be supported after the incident.  Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.